codependency
Codependency is a survival pattern of behavior that is often acquired as a child through a desire to feel safe and connected to their caregivers.
Maybe these caregivers never directly said “I need your help,” but somehow, in some way the child began to believe that their role in the family system was that of fixer, saver, healer. Sadly, many never get fixed, saved, or healed. In fact, I’d venture to say more pain and suffering occurs.
As that child ages into adulthood, this pattern of behavior is reinforced by unconsciously attracting partners or friendships that remind them of this early relationship. They are the “givers,” the “do-ers,” the “people pleasers” that can never say no. They end off feeling resentful, frustrated, depleted… and are confused as to how they got themselves in another relationship that “takes.”
In an attempt to feel safe, to be seen, to feel connected and held close, the cycle continues. So does the suffering and confusion.
Codependents aren’t sure who they are without this role, and it in some way becomes addictive— just as they feel they are needed by others, they too need to be needed. To be in a relationship where they don’t have to sacrifice themselves feels odd and foreign. This is all they know. In the end, they now attempt to heal themselves by healing others. But it doesn’t work this way. They don’t know who they are without all of this, so most never change.
Codependency can manifest in many different ways, but could be the husband who enables his wife’s alcohol addiction, the parent who allows their son’s irresponsible behavior to continue, the girlfriend who lies to protect her abusive partner, or the overly clingy boyfriend who struggles to be away from his beloved for even the shortest time.
Helping a loved one handle their problems and supporting them no matter the cost makes the codependent feel needed and validated. They interpret dependence as committed love, even in unfulfilling or abusive relationships. Their deeply rooted desire to feel validated tricks them into believing dysfunctional bonds are healthy and emotionally intimate.
Nothing erodes self-esteem quicker than an unhealthy relationship. Many people remain in dysfunctional marriages because they believe that this is all they deserve. When bad things happen, they simply grit their teeth and tell themselves that they should be grateful for what they have. The idea of separation feels worse than any bad relationship for a codependent.
Children of narcs
Children of narcissist and co-narcissist parents may be forced to endure harm and abuse from the narcissist, despite the co-narcissist’s best efforts to protect them. This creates a toxic environment in the home, harming the child’s psychological health.
The issues do not always evaporate after the child enters adulthood and leaves the family home. Codependent parents may rely on adult children in unhealthy ways, making them feel trapped, responsible for their wellbeing, and guilty for not being there enough.
If codependency is an issue in your household, you and your family will benefit from professional help. Codependency can be treated effectively with professional counseling.
Codependency and Caring
Codependency describes helping or caring about someone to an unhealthy degree. A codependent defines themselves by the way they unfalteringly help their loved one. It gives the codependent’s life purpose and meaning. Their existence and self-worth are consumed by their caregiving role.
A person in a healthy relationship cares deeply about their loved one, but not to an unhealthy degree. Crucially, they do not define themselves by the care they provide. If their loved one exhibits negative or harmful behaviors, they help without enabling. They care and nurture, but doing so is not their reason for existence. They do not rely on validation from other people to feel happy. People in healthy relationships are fine when they are by themselves.
Recovery
Untreated codependency can lead to severe anxiety, depression, and health problems. There is help for recovery and change. Recovery goes through stages that normalize codependent symptoms. The goal of recovery is to be a fully functioning adult who is:
Athentic
Autonomous
Capable of intimacy
Assertive and congruent in the expression of values, feelings, and needs
Flexible without rigid thinking or behavior
Become informed. Get guidance and support. Codependent patterns are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. It often takes an experienced third party to identify them and to suggest alternative beliefs and responses. Therapy and 12-Step meetings provide this. In recovery, you will:
Come out of denial
Let go of others
Build an autonomous Self
Raise your self-esteem
Find pleasure – develop friends, hobbies
Heal past wounds
Learn to be assertive and set boundaries
Pursue larger goals and passions