forgiveness: a key to healthy relationships

One of the most important contributors to an enjoying longer, more satisfying romantic relationship is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a key component to healthy relationships because people are not perfect. No matter how close to complete a soulmate we find, every individual is incredibly different from the next. Couples who form a fantasy bond in an effort to merge identities, fall completely into sync and function as one are forgetting this basic reality. They are also setting themselves up for great disappointment.

Each one of us are hurt, flawed, defended and inevitably going to make a mistake. Having this perspective doesn’t mean we should sit back and withstand abuse. However, to enjoy a lasting relationship, we may want to grow our ability to forgive. Couples that don’t practice forgiveness are more likely to engage in negative interpersonal tactics and have a poor ability to compromise or resolve issues.

Couples who do practice forgiveness show more behavioral regulation and more positive motivation and consideration to their partner. They put more effort into maintaining a positive relationship, in which they are less hostile or punishing.

In dealing with relationship conflict, we sometimes lose track of our goals. It’s important to emphasize cooperative vs competitive goals, such as a goal of being close rather than winning the argument. In order for both of you to win, try to hold empathy for your partner and see the situation from their eyes. Try to recognize the ways you are hurting yourself and the relationship by acting hostile, cold or holding a grudge. This process doesn’t mean dismissing the things that matter to you, but it does mean talking to your partner in ways that will enhance your partner’s understanding and help you stay on track so you both will get a positive outcome and experience.