Vulnerability as a part of forgiveness

For most of us, you are going to be with someone who brings some issues. When you choose a partner, you are choosing issues you are willing to negotiate with. Intimate relationships are important and special since we are willing to endure our partners ‘bad’ qualities. That is the space we, in relationship, offer. Intimacy is when you are with the full person. You don’t have to commit to the ‘good’ qualities in the relationship because it’s natural and easy to do. Your commitment is to their ‘bad’ qualities that test the relationship and them with you. Your partner is going to bring issues a lot of the time. The question is: will you be willing to forgive that they bring particular issues up? Can you forgive that your partner is flawed? Can you forgive that your partner had a childhood that wounded them?

The central point of this experience is that we don’t like is when we trust someone intimately, then we are opening ourselves up for pain. When our partner reminds us of the consequence of that choice, we try to punish them. We don’t like it, and so we want to run from our own vulnerability. Accepting our vulnerability is an essential part of the path of forgiveness.

One of the things we can trust in our partners is that they will act like themselves. We cannot trust them to act in another way, particularly the way we want them to act. We can only trust them to behave in the way that they have behaved. This is trust. Further, we can only control our own internal process. In forgiveness, our internal experience is one of grieving our loss of control. Thus, in relationship, we can ask questions within the space of internal grief and equanimity in trusting our partner. For example, do we spend more time armoring ourselves so we don’t get hurt or become vulnerable and looking for the good in our partner and ourselves? Do we look for the good in ourselves and partner, or do we react more to the things that are triggering?